How The Chig Stole Christmas

By Sam Seal

(Based on the characters of the series 'Space: Above and Beyond', created by Morgan and Wong.)


Look at me!
   Look at me!
         Look at me NOW!
It's fun to kill Chigs
   But you have to know how.
   You can draw out your knives
   And go fight with your chums.
   You can fight them with knives
But it's better with guns!
         You can take on their Star Ships
           And then you'll have fun! 
For look - with your gun 
   You can kill every one! 
         You can gun with the gun
         Spread green goo on the floor!
         But that is not all.
                 Oh, no.
                 That is not all . . . 

All the folk on the 'Toga liked Christmas a lot 
But the Chig who flew North of the 'Toga did not! 
This Chig hated Christmas - the whole Christmas Season 
But please don't ask "Why?" - no one quite knows the Reason. 
It could be, perhaps, that his boots were too tight. 
It could be his helmet not seated quite right. 
But I think the most reasonable Reason of all 
Was he'd not been invited to the Commodore's Ball.

But whatever his Reason, the Ball or the Boots, 
He flew around hating Marine Corps Recruits. 
Flying past with a scowl on his over-bite lip 
At the warm lighted windows of Ross's huge Ship, 
He knew perfectly well that each Pilot below 
Was hanging green holly, or white mistletoe. 
"They'll be hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer, 
"For tomorrow is Christmas - but not around here!"

Then he charged up his weapons until they were humming 
Said "I know just the way to stop Christmas from coming. 
When old Santa turns up," said the Chig with a frown, 
"I'll appear out of nowhere and shoot the Sleigh down! 
Then I'll fly over, doing a Victory roll 
As it crashes and burns on the Planet below. 
Then there'll be no more Christmas, and no Festive Toys. 
No more Guns for the Girls, no more Bombs for the Boys! 
No bow-ties or silk dresses in which they would prance - 
For if I'm not invited, to Hell with the Dance!"

Then he strafed the whole Ship with a last parting shot 
And departed - well pleased with his Dastardly Plot . . . 

On the 'Toga, meanwhile, the Dance was in full swing 
(Although Commodore Ross had once threatened to sing!) 
When a blip on the LIDAR screen made them all cheer, 
"It's the Sleigh!" someone cried, and they all watched it near. 
But wait - what was this as it hove into view? 
There was not just one blip on the screen - there were two! 
Then Ross turned to McQueen and he growled "Okay, Ty - 
You get out there and take that thing outa my sky!"

And in no time, it seemed, McQueen joined the affray 
But - the Chig was already fixed onto the Sleigh 
And was closing, his weapons locked, ready to fire - 
And it looked like the reindeer were starting to tire! 
When "Whoa, Rudolph!" cried Santa, "Let's give this a try." 
The Sleigh slammed on its airbrakes - the Chig flew right by! 
And the Colonel was waiting - poor Chiggy was caught! 
Then McQueen smiled - 'It really is Christmas!' he thought.

But before he could act the Five-Eight all arrived 
Saying "Don't zap him, Colonel - let's take him alive! 
Christmas tells us Forgiveness is greatest of all." 
Then, ignoring McQueen's Simpler Truth - "We're at WAR!" 
They escorted the Chig to the Hanger, where-at 
They presented the Chig with a bright paper hat! 
While Ross proposed the Toast with his bottle or rum - 
"An end to this bellum internecinum!" *

And then what happened then? On the 'Toga they say 
That the Midnight Hour struck and it was Christmas Day. 
So the Chig made the Ball afterall - and it's true 
That the mistletoe witnessed a strange thing or two 
As the Chig was made welcome - even joined in the Feast! 
And no-one complained, didn't mind in the least 
For at last the True Meaning of Christmas came through - 
Peace on Earth, in the Air and at Sea. 
Make it True.

*bellum internecinum (L.) - war of extermination

Copyright SamSeal, Xmas '97 
(With full credits to Morgan and Wong) 
( - and apologies to Dr. Seuss.)